At Least I Have Hands: a thread for therapy and amputee jokes

Some days, choice of words means everything.

Hope everything is progressing well with the doc’s plan.

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Oh snap!

Doc’s plan is going well for now. Struggling a bit w/ swelling here and there - my left foot likes to pretend it’s a blood balloon - but overall doing alright. Next major appointment is in March.

If it seems like you can’t make it to March, I recommend getting hold of a wood saw, blowtorch, a few bottles of whiskey and a good friend.

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I feel bad for missing your comment a month ago.

Family-wise? Like, because of all the crass humor?

For clarity, I have no relatives (that I’m aware of) on these forums. These are all friends of varying degrees, all of whom I only know thru these forums. I assume all the amputee jokes are getting slung in earnest because I made it apparent that my sense of humor is such that I actually appreciate it, and it’s pretty common to have a backlog of jokes you wish you could say but can’t because in your usual company they would frowned upon. So, once these cat’s realized it was okay to let’em rip, they’ve done so.

For the record, I’m glad we’ve all had such a good time in this thread. These forums are the best.

If you’ve got amputee jokes you’ve always wanted to tell an amputee (or may-be-amputee) but couldn’t bring yourself to because social conditioning and general decency, bring’em here!

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I wouldn’t worry too much about the crass humor. We’re all just getting footloose with him. No harm intended.

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Appointment w the vascular surgery & consultation team yesterday (had to get postponed a month because of slow healing) - wasn’t prepared for how for how grim the Doc was. I mean, the plan is pretty well the same, but based on the series of blood tests I’ve had over the last few months he concluded bypasses would be a painful waste of time pretending that amputation isn’t practically inevitable (lower leg pulse tests are identical to presurgery, but upper femoral pulse has improved). He also expressed concern that the blood flow would be a detriment to the healing process and that ultimately they’d have to amputate above the knee (current plan is to save my knee), but as the final surgery wound JUST healed (final scab came off 2 nights ago) he told me to come back in 2 months and we’ll reassess.

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Wow…talk about a knee-jerk reaction.

Seriously though, it sounds like aside from a few hiccups everything is going mostly according to plan?

Whatever the case, remember you’ve got friends here. :wink:

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So this inst good or just sooner than expected? Hopefully all will work out, we are here for you bro!

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Sorry to hear the prognosis isn’t as positive as you were hoping for, but it sounds like they’re trying to take the proper path forward rather than dragging things out unnecessarily.

In the end, you’ll just be getting your cyborg implants earlier.

Though remember, not all cyborg implants come with grace or dignity…

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It’s actually a bit later than expected - we’d been anticipating the necessity of amputation but thought we would have been scheduling it a month ago (can’t go straight from appointment to admittance cuz I’m on warfarin, gotta go off meds for a week first). Doc seemed pretty well ready to schedule yesterday until I mentioned that the scab had only come off a few nights ago.

We’ve been moving into a new apartment over the last week and I might have fractured my ring/baby toe, but Doc wants to just treat it real easy cuz we can’t cast it or restrict it in any of the usual ways, but he stressed that w “my condition” any real injury or infection below the calf and its pretty much guaranteed to lead to amputation because it won’t heal… So I’m pretty much just whincing through the days, counting down from 60 and trying to psychologically disassociate myself from my left foot (to ease the inevitable “phantom pain” neurosis).

Oh, also have not had a cigarette since November and have gained 40lbs (up from 130). So much for that ever-twink metabolism XD. Now that I’ve got 60 off days to get as healthy as possible, I’ma be hitting the gym regularly on that twink-to-Tusk grind. Putting things in print helps me commit to them. Okay, by gym I mean physical therapy center, and by Twink-to-Tusk I mean “normal hobbling guy”, but you get the illustration.

The week before you actually go in for surgery you should do goofy stuff like paint the toenails on that foot, wax the leg, give it a spray tan, and put on a lacy stocking. Then you can just look down at it and go “yeah, that’s not mine and I don’t need it.”

Plus it’d probably be hilarious for the doctors, or at least their reaction should be pretty good.

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OMG That is hilarious, and also sorta genius. Def gonna do that, cuz it can’t hurt (well, you know what I mean).

Will post disgusting/hysterical pics. XD

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you should make a fake guillotine prop to have the doctors pose between your knee and amputated leg for a picture when they’ve completed the procedure.

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Whats going on here?

oh, can riptor have the bone?

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Dr.s do many wonderful things for us, but they are generally pretty lousy at helping patients cope. I hope that you are talking to somebody about all this. (Besides us boneheads on the forums)

As far as knees go, see if you can talk them in to taking mine too. As you get older they become a pain in the ■■■ to deal with. And just think of how much additional weight you could lose…

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Awww, but I like you boneheads! XD

Nah, not to worry. I have a pretty good familial support structure, and some old and new friends have started coming round, giving me new problems to solve and occupying my time w/ various things of a more manly nature. Been doing some carpentry and trying to get out to more local FGC stuff, learning to solder (since I can’t quite work on my damned car), blahblahblah.

It’s true, weak as sounds though - one’s own nugget is a hard thing to wrangle in times of duress, but wrangling that nugget is a necessity. Too easy to drown oneself in woe-is-me’s, and that’s one wormy rabbit-hole nobody ought traverse w/o evasive efforts (and once ones mouth tastes those worms, spit them out with gusto).

I will mention the random maybe-biologist I know from a fighting game forum’s knees to the Doc Squad, just to see their faces not thinking I’m super funny. Humor is as humor does, y’know? XD

RE: Amputational weight loss - I am interested to find out how much of this weight I’ve gained I will lose in bone, muscle and miscellaneous viscera. I also wonder if there are adjusted BMI charts for amputees of various inclinations…

My brother had an allergic reaction to his inhaler because of a certain molecule within the steroid in his inhaler. Well, to a point he would get nasty rashes and we didn’t have a clue. We went to our local doctor, who gave us something along the lines of “there’s nothing I can do for you, goodbye.”

Granted we weren’t children so we knew, but his reaction was practically, ‘you’re going to die, live with it, get the ■■■■ out my office, you disease ridden swine.’ Not even exaggerating, that was his tone.

Bruh :joy:

Actually just did a study on this phenomenon. They used a The Third-Hand Illusion that has a similar affect on our neurons. It’s actually quite amazing how if the brain strongly believe something to be true, it can very well be. Goes hand in hand with the philosophical phenomenon of mind over matter. Crazy stuff for sure.

Best to let them acclimate for any scenario that can cause difficulties later, at least that’s how I would look at it. Sorry for the continued stress though, dude. Could be a blessing in disguise though, who knows. Life just works that way.

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I’d be interested to read up on this study, for sure. It does all boil down to mind-over-matter, which is a fascinating (and hopefully fulfilling) pet-project to make of one’s own body. Not that I’ll really have much choice…

Quoted for truth, my man.

<3

Lol! Actually, tell them I have a Ph.D. In Cell and Developmental Biology (I do). The reason I say this is that my own family doctor is always super intimidated and edgy about it - he always stops to ask me my opinion about stuff. I’m always sitting there like “dude, I’m a cell biologist. I didn’t go to medical school. That’s why I’m coming to you…”

Not trying to put doubt.
Have you had second opinion?
Michigan right? … They cant even afford
a decent police force. I live in New York
and in your case would still get a second
opinion if possible. Any way good luck.
Hope all goes well for you-

Riptora Netlander