KI Novella

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147

Not a bad chapter. The only thing I will say is that the line “I’ve got a friggin dragon, you can see how this ends right?” is not what someone in Kim Wu’s situation would say. She should be nervous maybe even trembling a bit.

Up until Shadow Jago appeared she was living a pretty normal life, then all of a sudden this crazy demon warrior appears and she acts confident? No. The line was a bit forced and Noble should have been a little more patient before using it.

That’s just my two cents though.

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148

Her cousins are even more annoying than most of Kim’s cocky dialogue. Also is this shadow Jago the combination of of Jago and omen or the one that was made due to their separation?

149

lol Kim’s chapter was great. Love the backstory on the character and the fact that the dragon is actually a conscious companion.

The RL references and the Twitch streaming cousins thing was really clever and funny.

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I’m gonna take the last few lines an rewrite them to match the situation better. Here is the original work for comparison:

SPOILERS

“Foolish child,” Shadow Jago said with a cruel and mocking voice. “Do you think that you stand a chance against the might of Gargos?”

“Who the hell is Gargos?” Kim asked.

“No time to explain,” Yeo told her quickly. “This warrior is dangerous. It is a demon. We must defeat it.”

“Give me the weapon,” commanded Shadow Jago, “or I’ll saw it from your dead hands.”

Kim bristled and twirled her nunchaku. “I’ve got a friggin’ dragon,” she said. “You can see how this ends, right?”

Here is how I would have written it:

“Foolish child,” Shadow Jago said with a cruel and mocking voice. “Do you think that you stand a chance against the might of Gargos?”

“Who the hell is Gargos?” Kim asked.

“No time to explain,” Yeo told her quickly. “This warrior is dangerous. It is a demon. We must defeat it. This will be a great challenge. Are you ready?”

“Give me the weapon,” commanded Shadow Jago, “or I’ll saw it from your dead hands.”

Kim bristled and twirled her nunchaku. Sweat began to run down her forehead. Was she ready? How could anyone be ready for this? Like a snowball rolling downhill, a feeling of nervousness was building in the pit of her stomach.

“I sense dread in you young one,” said Yeo showing a tone of pity in it’s voice, “gather your wits girl. If you show hesitation, you will surely die here.”

Kim Wu closed her eyes and slowed her nervous breathing. “Your right, I can’t run from fate.”

She opened her eyes and she shot an intense stare at the shadow warrior. “For my uncle, I guess I have no choice but to kick your ■■■!”

With new found confidence she clenched her teeth and charged at the demon in front of her.

The end

For all I know, my writing is terrible and I’m screwing everything up, but if you want to use lines from the game then it needs to feel much more natural. Anyone agree?

EDIT: Dropping the word a$$ is also a problem with the forums. But there have been worse words used in the novella so far.

EDIT#2: I had to rush the last two lines because I had to drive home from work. I’m gonna look over my example and check for mistakes.

151

A wind whipped through the alley just then, causing the clothes hanging on the lines between the buildings to dance crazily. Her skin went cold and she shivered. She thought she saw someone out of the corner of her eye and whipped her head around, but there was nobody there. But for a heartbeat she would have sworn she’d seen a teenaged girl with a deathly pale face, long black hair and a tattered robe…hunched over and leaning on a naginata—a Japanese pole weapon.

http://orig06.deviantart.net/a6d1/f/2010/251/b/a/squeee_by_jj_o2-d2ybkyl.jpg

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152

I feel terrible for all the complaining I’ve been doing lately, I never used to be the one to complain.

BUT THAT’S ANOTHER THING!

How can Kim describe Hisako perfectly when she only really saw her in her peripheral vision? Noble is a great writer I’m not denying that. But there are a lot of things that seem so forced in this chapter.

153

I think it’s worth pointing out that I read these Novella chapters like I was reading a comic book; it’s not supposed to be an extremely drawn out reveal, explanation, or revelation.

Just my $.02, but they’re not writing the next Song Of Ice And Fire here.

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154

Reading Kim Wu’s story, I hope she’ll learn that Jago was possessed by Omen and was a slave to Gargos.

155

I understand that. I don’t want it to be longer or more drawn out. I just think the quality of the writing here could be better. (This next sentence may be the next biggest douchebag quote on the forums…) I proved the quality could be better by rewriting it! Not only that, but my example was still reasonably short. Only adding like, three or four lines.

EDIT: Even if my example sucked, it was still better then what we got in my opinion. (No offense Noble)

156

Without stating my own opinion (having not yet read the full original Chapter 3), I’d like to just point out that this is subjective.

This is what I was referring to with regards to my “like a comic book” statement. We already know who the character is, and she’s seeing enough to tell you exactly who the character is. Just like in a comic book, where you might see a character’s distinctive boot or helmet in a scene, whether the character does or not. But since we have only words to go by, the picture has to come from the words.

You’re entirely welcome to your opinion about it, I just personally think you’re nitpicking a bit too much about a bite-sized story.

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157

Eveything I say is subjective. An IMO shouldn’t be necessary at this point.

About the Hisako thing. It’s written as if Kim Wu was making a quick observation on the person she thought she saw. It would be like saying, “I only saw someone in in my peripheral vision for a brief moment, I didn’t have time to catch all the details. But here is a list of character traits down to the blood type!”

I’m not trying to nitpick, I’m trying to provide feedback that hopefully Noble can see and apply to the story. I’m sorry if it sounds really self righteous but my intentions are good I swear!

158

No, you don’t get to call no offence here. You’re calling out the writing to the point you felt compelled to rewrite it and immediately claim your version is better.

So you don’t get that right to “no offense”. Step up and be honest here, even if it makes you come across like a jerk in how you presented yourself.

5 Likes
159

I sort of agree that it was a pretty sudden turn, but at the same time they sort of set it up before.

After Kim had been chosen by Yeo, she said she felt a warm sensation like she had been “infused by the light of the sun”. After that she spent the rest of the day (hours presumably) with the dragon, practicing with the Nunchaku and presumably getting better. Also, she has been described as pretty confident as well, So Shago showing up would catch her off guard, but honestly he was like the 3 or 4th “odd” thing she had seen in like 3 days.

160

Wow that was really aggresive! I’m sorry if that’s how you viewed it and honestly my wording was terrible. I’m really sorry. What did you think of the line though? Is my criticism unfair? (That’s a genuine question by the way.)

But yeah okay, so my attempt to be respectful backfired. At least I tried.

I’m not going to drop a no offense here then. I will be straight up and honest with you. I do believe my version was superior. I know how forward I’m being but I just feel the line was too forced. That’s my opinion. I hope Noble can understand and take the criticism as constructive.

The line completely disrupts the flow of the story and pulled me right out of the immersion. I think he’s a fine writer but naturally, he’s better in some areas then others. But the line delivery was bad IMO. And that’s something that as a writer I’ve dealt with. Sometimes I’ll write a piece and when I took a step back and read over it, I cringed at myself and rewrote the whole thing.

I will never intentionally disrespect any of you guys working on different parts of the game. Even if my actions prove otherwise. And for that I’m sorry, what I did could very well be the most disrespecful thing one writer can do to another. And for that (for the 100th time) I really, truely am sorry Noble. But I have to stand by the version I created, even if it destroys my good standing with everybody on the forums.

161

I must politely disagree with you Adam… one can like someone’s work and still feel like there’s something missing, and they may find such a thing in what they write… I haven’t read Chapter 3 myself, but I’ve been a fan of Noble’s writing since the backstories started, even I will say there may be need for a few adjustments. @RGLOfficial just tried to show his example in a more detailed manner. Context gets lost in text, so its hard to convey a message with the absolute right intent so please consider a less tense stance.

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162

Well, since I started this, I’ll explain further and then I’ll be done with derailing this thread.

@RGLOfficial I’m glad to see you edited your post, because your subtlety was horribly lacking and for you to try to cover your opinions in that manner was frankly, quite insulting, and really, really pushed one of my buttons.

It’s totally cool if you don’t like something and to say so in a constructive manner. Personally, you did it in an arrogant manner, which is why I called you out on it. I’d say you lacked “table manners” when it came to your approach, as you claimed “my version is better” and then tried to back off from that by covering with a “no offence”, which I have to assume you added because you knew your comment could read as arrogant in the first place.

Had you just stuck with “I liked this, but I think it would be better if…” like how you started, and then not gone for the “my version is better… no offense”, you were fine… you just took it too far into obvious “I’m not really saying what I want to say” territory.

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163

Hmm I think what @RGLOfficial meant to say is that the chapter ended suddenly in the situation. Like she got so confident in her skills against her first demon without hesitation and boom, the chapter ends.

With the example he put out, in a way it DID describe a more specific scenario to Kim since she is one of those characters, who became a hero, is now responsible for her heroic duties. This including her care to her uncle. :slight_smile: (not saying who has a better ending then who btw)

Still a legit chapter overall tho~

EDIT: Whops just checked the replies haha my bad

164

“Fill me in on the rebound, Preacher.”
:innocent:

165

Great writing! I do think that the “I got a friggin dragon” line felt a little forced, but aside from that, this chapter raises some questions.
First off:

a Korean warrior-woman who lived two thousand years ago and who’d bonded with a dragon spirit, helping to lead an army against demonic invaders, thus saving the world.

They referenced the original Kim Wu. Does this mean that the Gargos invasion of KI2 happened without the intervention of the current characters through time travel?

a PC and a Playstation and stacks of games and old consoles

Playstation but no xbox in the story of an xbox exclusive game? :laughing:

Loving all of the real life pop culture references.

My big question though is now at least two people that we know of have faced Shadow Jago since (presumably) he was separated from Jago and Omen, yet Tusk has survived and Kim has a 99.9 percent chance of living. So what happened to Shago when he faced tusk? If he defeated Tusk and had a chance to try and steal his sword, why didn’t he just kill him instead of throwing him in an iceberg?

And what was Hisako doing all the way in California? That is pretty far from her village, and doesn’t she get weaker the further away she is?

So many questions! I can’t wait to read the next chapter to see what happens to Mira, Wulf, Aganos, and Thunder!

166

Subconsciously, maybe. I mean, I’m okay with the cliffhanger ending it was really just the line that I wasn’t thrilled with. The line of course being “I’ve got a friggin’ dragon. You can see how this ends, right?” It matches the character AND it’s from the game. That’s brownie points right there! But the line just doesn’t match the scenario in my opinion.

Maybe if the chapter took place a little later in her demon hunting career, It would make sense. But this is an origin story! She should not be that confident. That’s why I feel it felt forced.

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