When I was in the second grade, on your birthday you got a picture frame filled with compliments written about you by the other students. I legitimately thought that mine would be blank. Because I thought everyone hated me. I’m still like that. I still think now one likes me. But the kicker was, that frame wasn’t blank. It was all in my head. But when you have a problem that internalized that it’s coming out when your 8, it’s extremely hard to get rid of. You move on through life with it because you can’t get rid of it. You see a persons scowl and you don’t see the bad day they’re having, you see the obvious fact that they hate everything about you. That kind of toxicity doesn’t go away. It effects the way you act around other people. To the point where you end up making it true. Everyone does hate you now, because you made it that way through your own reactions. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. It’s almost impossible to get rid of. And it makes even the idea of putting yourself in new environments to try to make friends almost impossible.
In the new DuckTales cartoon, we see Huey, Dewey, and Louie’s mom for the first time. She sings them a lullaby about adventure and family to them as eggs. It’s really touching. My first reaction to hearing it was “I want to sing that to my kids”. My biggest fear in life is that I’ll never have anyone to sing it to. That I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. That I’ll never have that bond with someone. That I’ll never get to be the shoulder they cry on when a rainstorm spooks them. That I’ll never get to be the shoulders they sit on to get a better look at the giraffes. That I’ll never get to be their guide through life, helping them to not make the same mistakes I did. That I’ll never have a partner to share any of that with. That I’ll never know what it’s like to love someone unconditionally and have them love you back. I worry about all that. I’m terrified of being alone. I lash out people online when I try to enter groups and people disagree with me because I’m worried they’re going to change sand move on and leave me. I respond with yeahs and cools and “of courses” to the girls I meet on OKCupid because I’m terrified that my first relationship could end before we even officially meet. And I fear entering new spaces in the real world because I’m terrified that they’re going to hate me before they even know me.
I wish I could figure out why this happens. I wish I could explain it and I wish I could get rid of it. I wish I could figure out what made me this way so that I could maybe fix it. But I can’t do anything like that. There’s no magic fix. That includes just toughening up and getting over it. If you’ve ever told anyone to do that you likely just made their problems worse.
I don’t know where I’m going with any of the. Maybe I just need to get it all out there.