An explanation... I think


#1

When I was in the second grade, on your birthday you got a picture frame filled with compliments written about you by the other students. I legitimately thought that mine would be blank. Because I thought everyone hated me. I’m still like that. I still think now one likes me. But the kicker was, that frame wasn’t blank. It was all in my head. But when you have a problem that internalized that it’s coming out when your 8, it’s extremely hard to get rid of. You move on through life with it because you can’t get rid of it. You see a persons scowl and you don’t see the bad day they’re having, you see the obvious fact that they hate everything about you. That kind of toxicity doesn’t go away. It effects the way you act around other people. To the point where you end up making it true. Everyone does hate you now, because you made it that way through your own reactions. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. It’s almost impossible to get rid of. And it makes even the idea of putting yourself in new environments to try to make friends almost impossible.

In the new DuckTales cartoon, we see Huey, Dewey, and Louie’s mom for the first time. She sings them a lullaby about adventure and family to them as eggs. It’s really touching. My first reaction to hearing it was “I want to sing that to my kids”. My biggest fear in life is that I’ll never have anyone to sing it to. That I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. That I’ll never have that bond with someone. That I’ll never get to be the shoulder they cry on when a rainstorm spooks them. That I’ll never get to be the shoulders they sit on to get a better look at the giraffes. That I’ll never get to be their guide through life, helping them to not make the same mistakes I did. That I’ll never have a partner to share any of that with. That I’ll never know what it’s like to love someone unconditionally and have them love you back. I worry about all that. I’m terrified of being alone. I lash out people online when I try to enter groups and people disagree with me because I’m worried they’re going to change sand move on and leave me. I respond with yeahs and cools and “of courses” to the girls I meet on OKCupid because I’m terrified that my first relationship could end before we even officially meet. And I fear entering new spaces in the real world because I’m terrified that they’re going to hate me before they even know me.

I wish I could figure out why this happens. I wish I could explain it and I wish I could get rid of it. I wish I could figure out what made me this way so that I could maybe fix it. But I can’t do anything like that. There’s no magic fix. That includes just toughening up and getting over it. If you’ve ever told anyone to do that you likely just made their problems worse.

I don’t know where I’m going with any of the. Maybe I just need to get it all out there.


#2

Hey. You play KI/are a part of one of the best communities in fighting games. Just know that no one hates you here. I read everything hear and I cna say that you aren’t toxic at all. You disagree with people and that’s fine!


#3

Sometimes you’re a little intense, I think. It’s not a question of people not liking you. I often find your comments interesting and insightful, but you might want to try letting go of things a little faster. This is something I know I have a problem with too.

Without intruding on your private life, i think if you are having lots of anxiety and aren’t happy with the way things are going for you in the real world, I would talk to someone about it. That’s why we have those people, and I’ve never heard anyone say “I wish I hadn’t talked to that therapist.”


#4

You’ve clearly never talked to a trans person. Some therapists actually try to repress us rather than help us find strength and confidence. I’ve heard horror stories.

Thankfully that didn’t happen to me, but when I did talk to a therapist she struggled to help me actually figure things out beyond my gender identity. She was great with that, but the social anxiety stuff just hasn’t been addressed. Her advice has basically been “Just do it”. I do need to talk to a second therapist for… other reasons… so maybe I’ll bring that up there. Maybe that will help.


#5

And I thought I was having a rough day…

I do hope you find your answers and a way to overcome your fears, in time.
It’s not easy, but not impossible. Best of lucks, sorry I can’t be of more help.


#6

Honestly @CausingThought6 I think the root of many of your issues is that you don’t love yourself. It’s one of the hardest things that people, especially trans folks (I have many friends in that community), face in life. Just like you said, you wake up with expectation that people are going to hate you. That there is something so wrong, so offensive, it has to be the only outcome… but that is simply not true.

For starters, you’re not alone. Most of us have things we hate about ourselves, whether it be our noses, ears, hair. When you look in the mirror, all you see are the imperfections in your reflection, and going even deeper, you see the failures, the mistakes, and every bad thing that has happened in your life.

However, that is only a small part of your story. In fact, it is only skin deep. You, as well as everyone, is far much more, than just the bad stuff you see in the mirror. This is where loving yourself comes into play. You accept your faults, and you constantly work on the things you can fix. You can certainly fix a bad attitude, the words you use, ect ect. The things you can’t change you embrace them as part of you. You allow them, to give you strength. As Cancer runs in my family, I know many of family member who’s had to struggle with that, and many have beaten the odds. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

Another equally difficult task, is learning to trust. At some point in your life, you have give people a chance to know you, the real you. You have to give them a chance to embrace who you are and accept you. There is always a risk, as not everybody who meets you, will like you. That’s reality for all of us. I had a manager where I work who used to literally think I was stupid because I was a natural blonde. To this day, she won’t have anything to do with me. Doesn’t bother me though, as there are far more people who enjoy my presence than one creepy old lady.

I can understand your feelings, because I’ve felt that same way. Growing up, I was a child of abuse. My father was a monster, who would eat all the food in the house, and spend all the money (that my mom made) on himself. My father openly made me know that I wasn’t loved nor wanted and several times, during visits to relationship therapists, he tried to have me removed from the family. I was beaten, starved, stuffed under furniture, and to top it off, not allowed to have friends (for obvious reasons).

He used to threaten me that DHS was coming to get me. I remember going to sleep at night, watching for them at my window. So you can imagine how I felt about myself.

We moved frequently to keep things quiet, and I thought my nightmare would never end, but it did. With the help of my Grandparents, my mom got the courage to kick him to the curb and I never saw him again. They took my family into their home and for the first time in my existence I had food on the table, presents for Christmas, and most importantly, I was loved.

As I grew up, I had this darkness in me, because I had a deep hatred for my dad, and that carried into my teens and early twenties. I was always okay at making friends, but those relationships never lasted, because I was so used to seeing them end. At age 21, I finally forgave my father. He didn’t ask for it. In fact he left in 94 and I never saw him again, but I forgave him and let that anger go.

I then allowed myself to open up to people and now I literally make friends with everybody. I always find simple acts of kindness do wonders. Sometimes just giving a smile or asking somebody, “how’s your day?” These things seem small, but they make connections.

Just some food for thought.